Sunday, June 14, 2009

Would you like a little self loathing with that?

Okay - I don't like to do this... As a typical Oprah loving american girl, I don't like to put energy into negativity. Oh not that I don't have negativity, don't get me wrong. I just don't like to bring it out into the light and look at it. That said, here goes.....

So I did the quick draw yesterday and it was fun and difficult. I ended up with something I thought was.... okay.... Which is a victory for me - landscape painting, all green and lush, just don't happen for me. I love them! But, I can't usually paint them, well. I'm thinking on the whys on that but in the mean time......

So after we finished our works we needed to bring the all together for the judging.... That's when the egos came out. I wasn't offended by these masters, no not at all... I was jealous, and here's where the self loathing comes in.... pissed off at myself. disappointed.......

There were some REALLY good works done in the same 2 hours at the same location and I produced my latest mediocrity. Really good. confident. cocky. bold. beautiful works. I envied. oh how I envied...

So where does the pissed off at myself come in.... Here's where - these guys, well two of three were in my general age bracket. Not senior members who have decades under their belt or young punks with freakish natural talent. These were dudes my age, who did art for a living. And they didn't have one spot more talent than me. They had tons more skill. They had the confidence that comes from years of practice.

That's the rub... While they were pursuing what the loved and getting better at it every day. I was watching Maury Povich. I wasted acres of time.... Just not doing what I wanted to do. Dismissing myself and what I had to offer to the world looking for completion outside myself. I was stupid. So stupid.

Don't get me wrong, that path I followed lead me here and here is a great place. I wouldn't change a thing. Except one thing - Did I really need to watch all the Maury to get me here or could I have drawn instead? Damn.

Well the kids are back - guess that's it for self loathing time :)

3 comments:

Heather Jerdee said...

This is something I cherish about our friendship, good gravy did I waste my time too. We're gonna keep on going and growing :)

Heather Jerdee said...

And one more thing your work isn't mediocre, not in my opinion :)

Heidi said...

Awe - thanks - and Ditto!!!!